Big Sky Cairn

On April 5, 2008, both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will descend upon my fair city for a sold out rubber chicken dinner and some political rhetoric. While I highly doubt that either candidate will spend much quality time in my hometown, I thought I would put together a primer on how to survive a trip to the SBC (Silver-Bow County). After all, I wouldn’t want some terrible tragedy to befall either candidate or any member of their campaign.

10) In case you haven’t heard, let me be the first to tell you: Butte is a tough town. Brass knuckled, ball busting, fist fighting, look at me the wrong way and I’ll put your ass in ICU kind of tough. Even other Montanans are afraid of us, and Montanans don’t scare so easy.

So, if you’re standing in a bar/restaurant/church pew and the guy next to you bumps into you: Apologize. Yes, I know that technically it was his fault. But for your own safety you should, nay you must, say you’re sorry.

Odds are that he’s a perfectly reasonable fellow who will say, “No, that was my fault,” and walk away. But their is a slim, yet notable, chance that he is a brawler (as many of us are) and will decide to bloody your face for your disrespect.

I’m sure you’re thinking that this is all a bit extreme, and it is. But Butte is a town of extremes and you are an interloping foreigner so, for your own safety, say you’re sorry.

*Read the other nine tips after the jump.

9) Have a firm handshake. This is critical. If you have any doubts as to the firmness of your handshake, practice with your friends. Because being told by every copper miner, welder and rancher that you shake hands like a girl (even if you are a girl) is embarrassing.

8.) Butte is a meat-centric universe. Our contributions to the culinary world include pork chop sandwiches and pasties (meat and potatoes wrapped in bread). So, if you’re a vegetarian, or worse a member of the Hezbollah like splinter faction known as vegan, you should bring food from home.

And if you’re a carnivore make sure to order your steak rare or medium rare. Only pussies order their beef well-done.

7) Do NOT, under any circumstances, drink the water. While natives might be able to chug gallon after gallon with nary an ill effect, your weaker constitutions will be unable to handle the metal and bacteria content to which we are immune.

6) Mind your manners. Here in the hinterlands, we have not forgotten phrases like please, thank you and you’re welcome. Not using these phrases might be considered disrespectful. And disrespect will not be tolerated (see number 10).

5) Hide your Blackberry. If you’re seen thumbing through email while you’re supposed to be meeting voters, listening to a speech, waiting for your dinner order, etc., you will be regarded as a self-centered Big City braggart who is more interested in an electronic gadget than the people around him/her. Also, do not holster your Blackberry on your hip like it’s a six gun. You look like an idiot.

If you want these people to respect you, then you will extricate the surgically attached Crackberry from your hand and stick in your pocket out of sight where it belongs.

4) If you did not grow up in Montana or on a ranch elsewhere, do not wear cowboy boots. More than once, I have seen campaign staffers from Ohio, Maryland, D.C. and California stroll into a Montana event wearing cowboy boots. They think it’s cool, folksy, that it makes them one of us when they pair their Brooks Brothers with a pair of Justin’s.

Well it doesn’t, it makes you look like a jackass or worse, a pandering jackass. And pandering might be seen as a sign of disrespect (see number 10).

3) If after the event you and some of your fellow campaign staffers want to go out for a little liquid refreshment, there are some suggestions to keep in mind.

You should choose a bar near your hotel because our town does not have taxi cabs. We do, however, have a police force who would love nothing more than to bust the out-of-towners for DUI. And headlines like that do not a primary victory make. Better to just drink at the hotel bar.

If your hotel does not have a bar then you should stick to the M&M. At this local landmark you will be able to enjoy an adult beverage in the company of some locals in an environment indicative of the Butte, Montana aesthetic while remaining relatively safe (see number 10). But while the M&M and its regular patrons are used to out-of-town visitors, I would refrain from ordering any beverage that contains pineapple juice, peach schnapps, an umbrella or ends with the phrase -tini. Budweiser or Coors (in the bottle) and Jack, Jim and Jose (in a shot glass) are always a safe bet.

2) Yes, Montana is beautiful and we’re glad that you like visiting. But do not joke about moving here, do not inquire as to what a 3bed 2bath costs, and do not mention Ted Turner. Because while we will be happy to host you as our guest, we like our state’s population density the way it is.

It’s nothing personal, it’s just that whenever you Californians, Texans, Virginians, etc. move to Montana, you bring the problems of the city with you. The big box stores and chain restaurants that you require to survive follow you and kill home grown businesses. Your gated subdivisions make old cowboys who remember wild prairies and grassy range cry uncontrollably. And your multi-million dollar lake homes (which you only live in for two months a year) drive up the property values of tiny cabins next door forcing their occupants to sell homes that have been in the family for generations because they can no longer afford the taxes.

Now, if you think that you can move to Montana to build a modest home, survive on local favorites, patronize Mom and Pop shops and contribute to our communities; feel free to pick up an application on your way out.

1) Do not make jokes about The Pit. Do not comment on the size of the hole, the toxic pallor of the water, the gritty nature of the soil or the fact that you saw it on The Daily Show. We saw that episode too, and it’s a sore subject.

Please respect the fact that for decades brave men did back breaking labor inside the mines of Butte to build better lives for their families. Recognize that the billions of dollars in gold and copper extracted from that Hill built the state of Montana and the nation. Be cognizant that many of the people you meet will be miners, retired miners or the children of miners who are proud of the work done in those mines.

So, don’t ask us when the water will overflow. Don’t joke about the fact that it’s a tourist attraction. And don’t think that because we crack-wise about our local eyesore that you can do the same because you are a foreign interloper who should learn to mind his manners (see number 10).

Should you follow these ten tips, particularly number 10, then it is likely that your visit to Butte-Silver Bow will be an enjoyable and successful one. We hope to see you again before the general election, but we know that it isn’t likely.

**Following the speeches, this post was amended to include a number 11. To read that addendum, click here**

AWESOME! Unfortunately, I have no doubt that one or both of the candidates will violate at least one of the Ten Rules.

This would be a great drinking game, if only their appearances were televised.

[…] on over to Big Sky Cairn and read the rest - good, good […]

This is awesome. I love Butte.

That, Kate, is a mighty fine read. Well done.

[…] It seems that tonight Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are both attending the same rubber chicken dinner in order to hold forth to the Montana Democrats at a sold out event in Butte, Montana. I happen to like Butte a lot (I stayed there twice this summer, as those readers who caught my crazed road postings might remember). Butte’s a blue collar Democratic stronghold, the biggest in the state. But it’s not got the same crowd you’d find in, say, Detroit, or Denver, or Miami, or Philadelphia. Honestly, you can’t even quite equate it with the rest of Montana,. It’s Butte, home of the open pit mine and the War of the Copper Kings. By any reckoning, it is a town with which one would be wise not to trifle. With this in mind, Montana blogger Kate Jalton, who lives in Butte, has put together a handy list of ten do’s and don’t’s, to guide Hillary, Barack and their respective big city staffers, which I offer in a slightly snipped version below. You can find the full list, in all its glory, right here. […]

Butte described to a TEE

Excellent

[…] week, I posted some advice for the Democratic campaign staffers who visited my hometown last Saturday for the Clinton/Obama visit.  This represented my attempt […]

So the conclusion for the candidates to draw is that people from Butte are assholes?

That’s the conclusion that liberals frequently draw about Montanans - which is why, by and large, Montanans don’t like liberals.

Really Wiley? Please do explain then why we’re a blue state? If you knew my last name, you’d be safe venturing a guess that I have deep roots in the Butte/Anaconda area. Nevertheless, I’ve only got one rule for hanging around me and being respected: treat others as you want to be treated yourself.

On the other hand, supplying those who would want to spend time with me with a list of rules strikes me as assholery

Thanks for stopping by Clearwater. I grew up in Montana and Butte remains a mystery to me. This post was written by Kate, who’s from Butte so I defer to her judgement.

Regarding your one rule: If someone breaks it do you kick their ass (rule 10)? Seems like the name-calling proves the point of Kate’s list more than it disproves anything.

Hi, Kate - fun list.

One thing - I really do wish folks would stop the ‘don’t drink the water’ fallacy. It makes a helluva punchline, but fact is that water out of the Butte water taps is piped in from Silver Lake, and is of the highest quality of any of the other large cities in Montana, including Missoula, Billings, and Helena.

It came about by a class action suit led by Sister Mary Jo MacDonald decided in 97, which allowed Butte to take control of its water.

Other than that really glaring error - really…fun list. I especially like the one about not wearing boots and not asking about the local real estate market. I like to tell my friends from San Fran that things are still really really depressed here!

Jen

Jen’s point is partially true. The water does not have bacteria or anything like that in it. But it’s cleanliness depends where in town you live. Has to do with the old pipes.

I live down on the flats and have no problems, but the water uptown has a higher mineral content and it can be harder to adjust to.