Montana Secession: How It Would Go Down (Part I)
February 26th, 2008 by Wiley CodyI’ve done extensive research - hours upon hours of pouring through books at Mansfield and the MPL - to determine exactly what would happen if Montana were to secede from the United States. This guide can be considered the definitive description of what will transpire if the unthinkable occurs (of course, I’ve seen enough Star Trek episodes to realize that by describing this scenario, it’s likely that I will have changed the outcome - darn paradoxes).
So we all know that the Judicial Branch is way out of control, what with legislating from the bench and letting lawyers exist. Anyway, in the case D.C. v. Heller the Supreme Court is going to decide if the good God-fearing people of Montana are too scary to own guns. (As a side note here, the people of DC just love their “taxation without representation” martyrdom and in order to not deny them their euphoric agony, I think someone ought to consider taking away their access ot the Judicial System altogether - especially considering how they use it). Okay, back on track. Now in Montana, “When you pry it from my cold dead hands,” is always the answer to any questions about gun control or damn dirty apes, so understandably people are upset when Uncle Sam came knocking with an inkling to take away our guns. Our elected officials put their heads together and decided that the best course of action was to hold their breath until Big Brother did what they want. It’s sort of a state tradition.
But should the Supreme Court not do what it’s told and Montana ends up seceding, it’s not quite clear what will happen. Since Montana was never an independent nation, and “territory” doesn’t get you a seat at the international lunch table, the first question is - what is Montana if not a state? No one knew - until now.
See, while the Congressional Delegation will likely be exiled to Washington, DC (a tough fate for Denny and Jon who still have Montana roots, but a welcome change for DC-resident Max who is getting rather sick of the commute) the state government will remain intact. Governor Brian Schweitzer, using the political capital he’s sacrificed seven Jags for (it’s a little known fact that like Lassie, Jag is replaced once a year for a newer younger dog - the old Jag is eaten by environmentalists) will finally be in a position to get what he’s wanted since his first day on the job in Helena. A new job.
By the sheer will-to-power of Brian Schweitzer will declare himself President of Montana - a glorious new nation. Brad Johnson will be sent off to investigate a potato famine in Idaho and in his absence, President Schweitzer will legitimize his position by holding a plebiscite (of Montana editorial boards). Unsurprisingly, the Montana press will approve of his Administration with a shocking 99% of the vote (1% abstained - an intern concerned with press independence - resulting in much eye rolling and laughing). With this undeniable Mandate from the People (who are Media), President Schweitzer will move the Capital to Missoula - which he will rename Saint Schweitzerberg. The Grizzlies will be guaranteed a National Championship every year since the Bobcats will never beat them.
For the first 100 hours, things will go pretty smoothly. But the glory is to be short-lived because the war-monger George W. Bush is about to warn his country that Montana has WMDs (”We know, because we put them there“). President Schweitzer presents a clear and present danger to the safety of American people (he spend a lot of his time “invading” neighboring states and San Francisco before he became President). The time to act is now. And Congress looks likely to grant him the power he needs to invade…
Continued in Part II.
